Stop Complaining

I was reading a post on a blog called (not)Happy About This about some negative remarks rapper Slim Thug made about black women. I appreciated that the writer didn't go into defense or attack mode. She simply stated some facts: 

Rather than attack Slim Thug's statements I felt it was better to encourage him to reflect on his own choices--something that women are always encouraged to do. In fact, even more than encouraged to be introspective women are often pushed into taking blame for the choices of their men. From magazine articles to silly ass books by the likes of Steve Harvey, women are told to use their actions to manipulate their men's actions into the positive. In other words, rather than expect and demand that men be decent because it's the right thing to do, it becomes the woman's job to use various Barnum and Bailey tactics to trick him into action like some helpless circus animal.



In my mind, the fact that women are constantly urged to be responsible for themselves and others makes me, and presumably other women, extra sensitive to comments like the ones Slim Thug made. I believe that many men have issues with women because even more than women generalize men (e.g. all men are dogs) men generalize women and it always works to their detriment.

The majority of my close friends are male, and when they relay stories to me about what their women are or aren't doing, it's difficult to explain to them that the deficiencies in their relationship have more to do with the woman's disinterest than it does with women in general having bad relationship habits.

For example, if you are with a woman who never cooks for you yet this is something that is important to you, two things could be happening. 1. She doesn't like you enough to please you in that manner or 2. You have a fundamental disagreement about how important this issue is in the relationship. However, most men tend to think of this issue as a reflection of the fact that modern women don't cook anymore.

Sometimes failings in a relationship are indicative of a lack of investment e.g. someone dating someone just so that they're not alone).  Once again, just because she's not cooking for you doesn't mean she didn't cook for the last man or that she won't cook for the next one. Replace the word "cook" with "perform oral sex," "listen to your problems," "hold you down," "pay like she weigh," or any number of other actions a man may desire a woman perform, and you have the same scenario.


I want to take this a step further and say that many times men aren't bringing their "A game" but they expect women to bend over backwards to please them. They want to "just be friends" until they decide if this woman is good enough to be in a committed relationship with. So they want her to cook, clean, cater to their every need, do the whole "lady on the streets and freak in the bedroom" thing - basically be a super woman for them but on their end they're not offering much. There's no commitment, no emotional support, no honesty, no vulnerability, no security - there's nothing appealing that would inspire a woman to do all those things for them that they so desire.  


I dated a guy for a while and we were labeled "just friends". He was upset that I didn't cook and do some other things for him. I had to explain to him that I took that label of "just friends" very seriously and there are a lot of things I don't do for friends. If you want the perks of a committed relationship - be in a committed relationship. Otherwise, stop complaining. 


Anyway, she has a pretty good blog - check it out. 

Funk Update

I thought I'd post an update for those of you that read about my run-in with Tom. My sister recommended that I try the Crystal Stick Deodorant. It seemed kind of weird - you wet this rock and rub it under your arms. Yeah right - I expected to be at Funk Level 3 by lunch time. I have to tell you that the stick worked. I went to work, went to the gym and it did not fail me - no funk. I LOVE the Crystal Stick. It works!

I know that there have been many reports about deodorant causing breast cancer and many women are looking for alternatives to traditional deodorant. I'm not sure how valid the reports are but natural is always better. If you're looking for a natural solution I encourage you to pick up the Crystal Stick. It's fantastic!

Ready for Change

I've never been a huge fan of change. Historically, I have not been a go with the flow kind of gal. I want to know what kind of flow it is, where it's going, and who' driving this thing. I need the details. For some reason, I seem to be at a point in my life where all that's happening is change. What's that all about? My friendships and relationships are changing - big time, my body is changing (hello aging), my focus is changing and to top it all off my wants and desires seem to be changing. My priorities are shifting and for the first time I'm not completely freaking out about it. I am resisting a little bit - I'm working on that - but for the most part I seem to be handling things pretty well.

I think change is exactly what I need in my life right now. I spent a big part of my life helping other people get the things they wanted, being available to friends in need, focusing on others. There's nothing wrong with that - not really. The thing is - while I was helping others my life, my goals, my dreams were being neglected.

Now, I'm ready to focus. If you saw my dream board you know that I have entrepreneurial aspirations. I've actually started quite a few businesses over the years (that's another post). I'm on to my next project. It's actually a partnership with my sister - we're starting a clothing company. Whew! I said it. It's out there now. I don't want to go into too much detail at the moment but we are very close to launching our first item. LOL yes I said item. We're starting with t-shirts and accessories.

Anyway, as I start to set my sites on my goals I find myself embracing change a bit more. If I'm going to reach my goals there will have to be MANY changes! I'm ready!

Coming Soon!

I finally finished my Dream Board courtesy of Oprah.com. Here it is!

Funk Level 1

If you've been reading my blog then you know I don't like being lied to. Who does right? The problem I have though is that I really do want to believe the things people tell me. I want to believe the promise. So, naturally I wanted to believe Tom when I came across Tom's Natural Deodorant Stick. I believed the hops extract would "inhibit the growth of odor-causing bacteria". However, Tom had me at Funk Level 1.

Here's my Funk Theory:

Funk Level 1 - you're mildly funky. The smell is offensive but at this point you're only offending yourself - other people don't smell you - just keep your arms down.

Funk Level 2 - you're pretty funky. You can smell you and other people can smell you too.

Funk Level 3 - you've crossed the line. Other people can smell you but you can no longer smell yourself. You've been funky for so long you're immune to the smell but you are knocking other people out.

So anyway, Mr. Tom had me at Funk Level 1 after a couple of hours at the American Cancer Society Relay for Life with my Sorors (if I'm being honest I was borderline Level 2). I did four or five laps around the track, sat outside for few hours and I was funky. I mean FUNKY- smelling like a Philly cheese steak w/onions funky. And here's a big problem with funk that I was previously unaware of. It is hard to wash funk off! It's persistent man! I had to SCRUB - got out the shower thinking I was done and still smelled funk. I had to get back in and do it all over again. C'MON TOM!

Dress Rehearsal?

Ok, so the dream board is just a dream for right now. I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to just sit down and make it happen. But I will do it though at some point because I do believe you have to be able to visualize the things you want.

However, today I'm thinking about dating. You know how dancers have dress rehearsals for recitals? The purpose of the dress rehearsal is to work out all of the kinks before the actual show. Well, the past two guys I've dated have been "dress rehearsal" for me. They were opportunities for me to work out some of the emotional baggage I've picked up in recent years. It was convenient that they came along because I don't really want to show my "crazy" to someone I'm actually interested in having a future with. I can put each of these guys into one of two categories.

The first I call "Mr. Delusional". He had some college, no car, no apartment and kept getting fired from job after job. He was trying to go into what I later learned was the family business of hustling.  It wasn't his thing. I don't think some people realize that hustling, though illegal, is still a business and everyone is not cut out for business. He sucked at it and now I have to sit around and listen to complaining about all the people that were at fault for his failures. This guy was convinced that his life was the way it was because he went to the college prep high school in the city and not the vocational high school. Huh? Also, things were jacked up because he went into the ARMY. Ok... The rest of the problems in his life were his parents' fault. Hmm.. First - college prep programs and the ARMY (provided you aren't killed) are usually things people list in the opportunity column. Second - what? At some point we all have to take responsibility for our actions and admit that we are where we are in life because of decisions that we made. As Andy Andrews says in The Traveler's Gift, "THE BUCK STOPS HERE." You can't experience change if you're constantly blaming other people for your short comings.

I'll call the second, "Mr. Smoke & Mirrors". He was basically a magician. He presented well - attractive, muscular, two master's degrees, small business owner, educator, great sense of humor - it was all there. But it's hard to maintain illusions. So as I got to know him some things started to reveal themselves; separated not single, three kids not two, several romantic interests not one. This man lied about everything from where he was and what he was doing before he moved here, to wine. One month he said he "wouldn't drink wine, didn't drink wine, didn't like it" and a few months later he said he "loved wine - I must have misunderstood him." Okie Dokie - so with his help and the help of a few other liars I've encountered over the years I have learned the following:

LIARS HAVE TO LIE.

In the same way that humans have to breathe for survival, liars have to lie or they'll die. Now, I haven't met a liar that could stop lying long enough for me to test my theory but trust me on this one.

So needless to say, neither one of these "relationships" went very far. And in both cases I knew within either days or weeks that these men were not for me. I put them in the category of "fun for now". The problem with "fun for now" is exactly that. It's fun for now - short term gratification - in exchange for what? Dress rehearsal?

I've been giving the whole dress rehearsal theory some additional thought and it occurred to me that during dress rehearsals you simulate the actual performance. You practice in the same building or a similar building, on the same stage or a similar stage, in the same outfit, AND you practice to achieve the same outcome. So, can I really call these men dress rehearsals? No, I can't. 

I don't know who said it but there is a saying that says: "You are the combined average of the five people you associate with the most." So while I was able to work out a few issues I had by dealing with these people the bottom line is that I was spending significant amounts of time with a loser and a liar. These fools were killing my average!

Dream Board

If you've ever read a self-help book you know the authors always tell you to write your goals down. Some recommend creating a dream board, which is sort of a collage of pictures, magazine clippings and words that represent your dreams. The idea of a dream board has always been appealing to me but I've seem to be dream board challenged! I collect all sorts of magazines, start clipping maybe even laminating and a few months later I come across a clipping and wonder "Oh yeah, what ever happened to that dream board?"

Well, for those of you that are dream board challenged like me; take a look at what I found on Oprah.com . Yes! It's a dream board application! You can upload pictures and use a bunch of tools they provide for you can create your own dream board. I think I can actually do this!

I'm going to create my dream board and share it with you tomorrow! Yay dream board!